I am learning that this life is not about me. Its about Him.

I am learning that it is okay to cry. It is okay to laugh. It is okay to have a "difficult" day.

I am learning that people ...lots of people really do care. I guess I never gave them enough credit.

I am learning that we are given 24 hours each day... use your time wisely...its okay to ask for His help.

I am learning that I will never meet my own expectations...because they are unrealistic; however, I can do the best that I can do for that day.

I am learning that the Lord cares. I mean really truly cares. He is just patiently waiting for me to come talk to Him.

I am learning that life is not about things, but its about relationships. Its so easy to get distracted by things.

I am learning that all successful relationships require selflessness.

I am learning the importance of words. Use them to encourage... uplift... and let people know how they have impacted you.

I am learning to be content.

I am learning to see the blessings rather than the challenges. Its all about perspective.

I am learning to make the most of this life. Its not promised...and once its spent, we can't get it back. Live with no regrets. Love unconditionally. Be who you are "purposed" to be.

So I couldn't sleep very well. Its late...or it could be early...based on how you view it. So many thoughts are running through my mind and I just need to jot them down. I just feel I need to get them off my chest. I don't understand God's purpose or plan in everything, but I have been reminded that all things work together for our good. Our world consists of so much pain... so many tragedies...and so much heartache, but thanks be to God He has also provided a true path of hope and change.

Not the type of change that Obama and McCain claim to have, but rather one that is so very different and oh so much more fulfilling. He is the God of ETERNITY. Do you understand that? The Alpha and the Omega of this world...the one who was here long before we found ourselves in this "economic depression" as some would call it...the one who will be here long after we are. So many people are choosing to live only for today. Living for the temporary fixes that this world has to offer. Living for the ever unpredictable stock market. Living for so many things that really hold no true value. Seeing this, burdens me.

I have met so many people who are struggling with one thing or another. So many people who are suffering. I see my own family as we attempt to truly live out our faith in the midst of seeing our father, husband, son, and/ or brother undergo one of the most grueling diseases of this world. I have witnessed the awful grasp that cancer can have on some ones life. I have seen our family bury five very dear people in the last six months alone. It can be so overwhelming at times, but oh... I wish and hope that you will only understand the strength and the power that comes from God alone. 

He is the only sure thing that this world has to offer. He is the only one who is truly ready and waiting to bear every single one of your burdens. Isn't that amazing? I have been disappointed by peoples' seemingly lack of concern in things that don't directly affect them. Its tough out there sometimes when you are experiencing something and find that very few even possess the ability to empathize with you. But let me remind you and myself of this- God knows. He cares. He hurts when we hurt. He cries with us when we cry and the most astonishing fact of all this is that He knows just how I feel. Good ...or bad.... I don't have to pretend...I don't have to be strong.... I don't have to bear this burden alone! How amazingly cool is that? I am thankful. Thankful that I know Him. Thankful that no matter what life hands me, I am not alone. Thankful for His comfort.

It is quite interesting to review past entries that I have written. It is crazy sometimes when you look back on a situation because you don't always recognize the amount of emotion that is conveyed in an entry until you go back and read about the past experience after the emotional tornado has calmed and when there seems to be some amount of sensibility and understanding within the circumstance. Be that as it may, so many things have happened since my last entry. I cannot believe that it is already April of 2008. In December of 2007, I became a resident of Georgia again. In February, Westley became a resident of Georgia and begin a job as a fitness specialist. In March, I started a job and got engaged!

I don’t know if anyone reads this anymore, but last August my dad was diagnosed with what doctors would classify as a terminal illness, thus confirming to me the need for me to move back to Georgia. I didn’t know when I would find another job, but I knew I would and I was not quite sure how things would work out with Westley. I took a step of faith and now here I am. The Lord provided for me once again. He has exceeded my own expectation and continues to open doors and makes provisions in spite of the present circumstances.

It is hard to sometimes grasp the fact that dad is sick and knowing in the back of my mind that things may very possibly never be the same again. On one hand, I feel so blessed and overwhelmed by God’s goodness yet on the other hand I wonder how this could be happening to my family again. I know it was the right decision for me to move home. God has proven this fact over and over again and now I am sitting waiting wondering when the miraculous healing is going to take place. How can one person receive so many blessings at once yet simultaneously endure a number of quote unquote tragedies and disturbances? It is hard for my human mind to process these apparent inconsistencies.

I know God loves me. I know God loves my dad. And I know that God loves my family. I know that all things are designed to work together for good. I know that our minds cannot really fully comprehend the mind and purposes of God. I know that He wants only what is best for me. Yet knowing all these things it is still very difficult for me to accept it all. Each time something good happens in my life I react with a sigh of relief because for me it only confirms what I already know, yet when something bad happens I begin to get nervous because I realize the reality that I deserve nothing and am only blessed to have had access to a particular way of life or opportunity during the time that I had. It’s like subconsciously I believe that I deserve and should be privy to the good things and that no bad thing should ever happen because I am a good person. As you and I both know this thinking is unbiblical. It’s unsubstantiated and in all honesty it goes against all that I know about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The truth is… I deserve nothing. Actually, worse than that, I deserve hell. I don’t deserve for good things to happen to me because really I am nothing but a sinner… a sinner who was miraculously saved from a burning hell... a sinner who does not always acknowledge the many blessings that are sent from above… a sinner who doesn’t really always care about where the blessings originate from, but rather when do I get mine.

These situations that the Lord has placed me in have been quite stressful. It has been overwhelming emotionally and psychologically. Some days I was mad at the situation or mad at others for not responding to me in the situation or disappointed in my friends for seeming uninterested. So many pains … so many frustrations… so much heartache. Yet the Lord has never left me and He continues to show me that he cares. I almost feel like the blessings that He has provided to me during this time are the very things that sustained me and reminded me just how much He loves me. He was gracious enough to provide relief, comfort, support, and encouragement even when I thought that He just didn’t care anymore. He was patient loving and kind even when I was not speaking to Him. He was hurting with me and carrying my burdens for me. No, the days ahead will not be easy, but I know that the Lord is with me every step of the way and that I am not enduring anything alone. I am grateful. Once again I am humbled by His love. Please keep us in your prayers.

Agony, fear, anger, suffering, pain, trials and tribulations- all of these are words that we, as humans, have at some point experienced or witnessed within our lifetime. Its difficult for one to persevere towards their very purpose when obstacles seem to cloud your vision and at times they seem to block your very destiny. Its hard to remain positive and steadfast in a world that is filled with disappointments, discouragements, and devastations.

Turn on the news... what do you see? Tragedy after tragedy. Think of people in your life... what are their present pains? Now, what about you? What is it that is challenging your faith this very moment? What is it that has brought you to a place where you feel that you can no longer go on? What is it that has pushed you to your very limits? I think of my current struggles. I think of the struggles for my dad. I think of the struggles for my family. I think of these and I... I am speechless. My mind wanders. It attempts to justify the human pain. My mind attempts to reconcile the reasons behind life's challenges. It unsuccessfully attempts to reason and justify why people are plagued with the burdens that they must bear. Why would a God allow people who are in right relationship with Him to endure so much pain?

It doesn't seem fair, does it? It doesn't even seem humane. Life isn't supposed to be this way. In life we are to be rewarded for good and punished for bad, right? Where is the balance? Isn't there supposed to be justification? Isn't there supposed to be explanations? How are we supposed to hold on when we can't even see clearly enough to believe?

These are thoughts that I have been battling. These are thoughts that have crept into my mind. No, its not fair... but who told us that life would be fair? Why do we expect it so? Why do we longingly attempt to create some sort of justification for life's mishaps? Does it make us feel better? I can honestly say it doesn't. Not one bit. I have found  that I am most distraught when I allow my mind to begin to reason through the pain... the situation... the struggle. I could sit and come up with a million questions asking why, yet how beneficial would that really be? I would never reach the answer.

I think of that verse that talks of a peace beyond all understanding. Or how about the one that says His ways are not our way and His thoughts are not our thoughts. My mind cannot even begin to fathom or foresee God's purpose; however, in my heart I know that there is one. I know that all things work together for good. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me and I now that He has plans... plans to give me a hope for a future. Plans that bring Him glory. Plans that fulfill His purpose for our lives.

I am once again amazed. I am amazed at how real his hand is as I look back in retrospect. I see! I see! I see how he prepared me for such a time as this. I see how he spiritually strengthened my dad for such a time as this. I see how he closed doors that I could not foresee the purpose when it seemed like a shutout. I see how he brought me to a place where I can truly talk to Him. I see His hand. I see His arms... they are wrapped around me. Hugging me. Crying with me. Loving me. Loving me despite my own errors. Loving me despite my initial anger... my initial bitterness... my initial frustrations. Loving me right back to Him. He cares for me so much. I am so humbled... so overwhelmed... so blessed. This is what it means when He says that "My grace is sufficient"...

... this is what it means. No, life doesn't seem fair... but this (earth) should not be where we seek to be justified in our faith... for our situation is temporary. We should not be comfortable here because this IS NOT our home. Don't forget that! This is why we are to count it all joy... because this is not our home! This place ... this life... this struggle only prepares us for our home... for His glory. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that encouraging? I praise the Lord for that... I praise Him for loving me so much... for caring enough to mold me after Him.